


Varric Calls Out Skyhold's Biggest Problem

by adventuress_writes



Series: Dragon Age Smut [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anal Sex, Bisexual Blackwall (Dragon Age), Bisexual Cassandra Pentaghast, Bisexual Cullen Rutherford, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Dwarf Sex, Elf Sex, F/F, F/M, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Horniness, Human Sex, Lesbian Sex, M/M, Multi, OH BTW THIS IS COMPLETE CRACK AND IM SORRY, Oral Sex, Orgy, Polyamorous relationship, Qunari Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Threesome - F/F/F, Threesome - F/M/M, Threesome - M/M/M, Useless Lesbians, Vaginal Sex, War Table Sex, after much deliberation everyone is hornier, but is cassie straight though? idk honestly, character development bitch, cole dirty talking without knowing it, i added that tag bc it made me laugh, just kidding but probably, maybe i'll rewrite her character as bi, notice how Cullen didn't give a fuck that they were messing up the war table?, now for the honorable mentions, orgy on the war table, varric calls this shit out, war room discussions, we got all the races fuckin up in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-12 15:19:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13550064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adventuress_writes/pseuds/adventuress_writes
Summary: Skyhold's leadership has serious issues, like I'm not joking. Nothing is gonna get done if people just want to fuck all the time, ya know? Anyway, enjoy this dumb fic that I whipped up in the span of four hours ;)





	1. Varric's Call-Out Post

“Maybe if we moved our troops this way…” Cullen suggested as he repositioned troop movements on the tactical map.

The major forces in Skyhold were sat at the war table having an important group meeting. All the usual suspects, the advisors, the Inquisitor, all the companions, Hawke, and Scout Harding were sat around the large wooden table in mismatched seats that came from various rooms in the castle. Blackwall let out a quiet cough and Sera sighed, thoroughly uninterested in the meeting.

Varric looked around at his friends, scrutinizing everyone’s faces, “What’s going on here?”

“Whatever do you mean?” Karalyn asked Varric with a certain amount of sarcasm in her voice.

“No one at this table is at all interested in this discussion. Your heads aren’t in the game! You guys do realize we’re up against time and a very powerful enemy, right? I know we forget this sometimes, but…” Varric trailed off.

Cassandra made a disgusted noise at Varric’s reprimand. 

Cullen opened his mouth to say something, but Varric stopped him, “Don’t even get me started, Commander.”

“Varric, tell us what you mean by this,” Leliana urged.

“No, nevermind. It’s not even worth it,” Varric decided with a huff, sitting back in his chair.

“Oh come on, Varric, tell us what’s on your mind,” Karalyn said.

“It’s not what’s on my mind, Kara, it’s all you,” everyone looked at Varric like he had a third eye or like he cracked and no one saw it coming. He sighed, “Take Josie for example, she keeps making googly eyes at Kara,” everyone was completely silent. “And then there’s Cullen, he won’t even make eye contact with Dorian or Bull. Bull, you and Dorian are either holding hands under the table or you’re jacking him off and I would bet money on the latter.” 

The companions looked between each other, as if a teacher had called out a few of their classmates. Josephine and Cullen were both blushing furiously, Bull and Dorian shared a quick glance then Bull’s hand returned to his lap as Dorian fumbled with his pants.

“Must I go on?” Varric asked with a chuckle.

Sera laughed, “Go on!”

“No, I shouldn’t,” Varric sat, thinking for a moment, “You know what, actually I will. Sera. You’ve been looking at Scout Harding like she’s a snack for the past half an hour! Seeker, you’ve been glancing coyly at Blackwall, and Hawke! Hawke, who the hell are you fucking?”

“What do you mean? I’ve been with Merrill for the past four years!” Hawke retorted.

Varric eyed his friend, “Am I supposed to believe that Merrill is hiding your bedchambers right now because I haven’t seen her around Skyhold.”

Hawke and Varric were in an intense eye contact battle, unwilling to discontinue glaring at the other. Hawke finally broke the eye contact, looking down at her hands, then murmured, “Don’t tell Merrill…”

“You have a PROBLEM, Hawke!” Varric chastised.

“Thanks for pointing that out, dad!” She said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

“You people are just horny children!” Varric shouted, standing up, although it didn’t make much of an impact, because he’s a dwarf.

Cole shifted uncomfortably in his chair, a look of confusion painted on his face. Varric noticed this since his young companion sat directly across from him, “Cole, ya got something to say?”

He looked up from under the brim of his large hat at Varric, “Well…”

“Go for it, kid.”

“It seems… wrong for some reason…”

“Nonsense, our friends could do with a bit of embarrassment!”

Cole looked around at everyone sat at the table, a few people had faces of concern, though others watched this event unfold with amusement and curiosity, “Soft, small, trembling, her hair carries a woodsy scent, hot breath, breathing, kissing…”

“Whose thoughts are those, Cole?” Karalyn inquired, trying to supress the smirk on her face.

Cole glanced to Varric, “Should I?”

Varric nodded in reply with a shit-eating grin. Cole said nothing, but just stared at Sera.

“What? That’s me? Okay that’s creepy, but I mean good job,” Sera said with a stifled giggle.

“Hot, sweaty, warm bodies, new feelings, new pleasure, intoxication, moaning, loud, I…” Cole peered up at Cullen with a confused look.

Dorian laughed as Cullen blushed profusely, Bull gazed slyly in Cullen’s direction.

“I’m sorry Varric, but was this supposed to detract our attention from sex or turn us on?” Cassandra chimed in.

“Turned on, are we, Seeker?” Leliana commented playfully to which she received a disgusted noise in response from Cassandra.

“Ugh, this is an insufferable meeting,” Vivienne stated, then stood up and left with a huff.

“I’m going to have to agree with Vivienne. Obviously nothing is going to get done today,” Solas added as he got up and left the room after Vivienne.

“Yes… and I do have a lot of work to get through…” Josephine slowly rose out of her chair, gathered her papers and headed for the door.

Karalyn stood up swiftly after Josephine left the room and mouthed the word ‘work,’ emphasizing that Josephine used a euphemism with air quotes. She practically ran after Josephine and before the door closed, they could see Karalyn slap the ambassador’s ass.

Sera chuckled and said “Cute,” while others groaned at the public display of affection. “Oh, you hypocrites!” Sera chided, pronouncing the word ‘hypocrites’ wrong, “It’s just a bit of PDA, that never hurt no one, did it. In fact just the other day I caught a glimpse of Dorian snogging Bull in the tavern!”

No one was surprised, or if anyone was, no one displayed any ounce of surprise. It was a regular occurrence at this point to see Dorian, Bull, and Cullen kissing each other publically every now and again. The three men would willingly admit it too. It’s not like their relationship was a secret after that fateful night… 

“So?” Bull said matter-of-factly.

Leliana stood up with a sigh, “I better leave before things get… heated,” she explained then she left the room.

“Alright, I’m leaving this shit-show now. Have fun with your orgy,” Varric followed suit of Leliana, getting up and leaving the room, but not before he added, “Use protection kids,” and waved for Cole to come with him. Cole diligently followed Varric out of the war room, genuinely afraid of what would happen if he stayed any second longer in the room. After the doors closed, Varric stopped Cole, “Hey kid, sorry if I pressured you into saying things you didn’t want to. I guess I just wanted to see the look on their faces.”

Cole smiled, “I liked seeing their reactions too.”

“You have no idea what you were saying, do you?”

“Nope,” Cole confessed, still smiling.

Varric chuckled, “You’re alright, kid,” and they continued walking away from the accursèd war room.


	2. Orgy in the War Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the orgy everyone's been waiting for! and by everyone i mean like two people were waiting for this lol enjoy

“Soooo…” Hawke began.

“Indeed,” Cassandra replied.

“I guess we’re having an orgy, now?” Dorian commented, adding a questioning tone at the end of his sentence.

Everyone left in the room waited with bated breath for someone to make the first move. They stared at each other, eyeing every little movement someone made. Finally Blackwall stood up.

“Alright, I’ll take cock or cunt, which will it be?”

Sera burst out laughing, “If we’re hashing out the rules, I’m not drunk enough to question who I like, so cunts only,” she said with a wink in the direction of Scout Harding and Hawke who sat next to each other.

“And I’m anti-cunt, so shall we?” Dorian pronounced.

“Well, speak now or we’ll assume you’re bisexual, right?” Hawke claimed with a stifled chuckle.

No one said anything for a brief period of time until Sera climbed onto the war table, “Let’s fuck on the table, yeah?” She stood up on the table, sliding her pants down then threw them at the stone wall, revealing her lady bits. 

“Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt…” Scout Harding decided as she was helped onto the table by Hawke. 

Sera kneeled down and began taking off Harding’s leather armor and clothing while Hawke sat on the edge of the table unstrapping her metal armor and letting each piece fall to the ground with a clang. Meanwhile, Blackwall removed his heavy plate mail armor as Cassandra stripped her armor off tentatively. Iron Bull was already buck-naked and helping Cullen remove the straps on his armor as Dorian took off his light mage armor. Sera laid on her back on the table as Harding began fingerfucking her and licking her clit. Hawke started eating Harding out, standing on the floor though Harding and Sera were on the table. 

Cassandra had finally undressed, leaving her armor and under clothes strewn about the stone floor. “Blackwall,” she started but he already knew what she meant so she didn’t see a point in saying more. Finally nude, Blackwall strided over to Cassandra who had a leg up on the table, ready to be fucked. He glanced down to guide his member into Cassandra who exhaled forcefully at the insertion. 

Next to them fully nude Cullen, Dorian, and Iron Bull had already started fucking. Cullen was on the table on all fours being penetrated by Iron Bull as he sucked Dorian’s dick. The Tevinter mage played with Cullen’s soft blond hair as the commander deepthroated his cock. Dorian smiled at Iron Bull and they shared a look that meant ‘we taught him well.’ 

“Ah fuck! Harding!” Sera screamed, pulling Scout Harding’s light brown hair. 

A cacophony of pleasured moans from Sera, Harding, Blackwall and Dorian reverberated throughout the room. Cullen's muffled grunts as well as the sound of skin slapping against skin joined in the symphony. Then Iron Bull thrust his cock faster and deeper into Cullen causing the commander to cry out, rendering him unable to finish giving Dorian a blowjob. Dorian hopped off the table, trailing a finger along Cullen’s arched spine. He positioned himself behind Blackwall who slowed his thrusts to allow Dorian to insert his dick into Blackwall’s asshole. The former grey warden grunted as Dorian penetrated him slowly.

Sera climaxed, moaning as she squirted on Scout Harding’s face and chest. Harding smiled as Sera moved closer to kiss the dwarf roughly. Hawke continued to fuck Harding with her fingers and tongue, receiving muted moans from the dwarf.

“Mm, I'll give Hawke some love,” Sera declared, pulling her lips away from Harding’s. The three women repositioned themselves, Sera and Hawke in a 69 position while Harding moved to Cassandra, kissing the Seeker full on her lips.

Cullen screamed as he climaxed, his arms were being held by Iron Bull away from his body as the qunari thrust one last time.

“Bull, anal,” Hawke lifted her head from Sera’s cunt only to say those two words. Iron Bull obliged Hawke, leaving Cullen to recompose himself with final slap on the ass. He moved right behind Hawke, Sera’s blonde hair peeking out from under Hawke’s cunt. Iron Bull then slowly shoved his cock into Hawke’s ass causing her groan and tense up

“Fuckin’ hell!” Blackwall shouted, placing his hands on the table as he quickly pulled out of Cassandra and cummed on her back. Dorian threw his arms around Blackwall, thrusting a few more times before he cummed. Dorian pulled out of Blackwall gently then checked on Cullen who was laying on war table with his hands on abs and his legs dangling over the edge of the table.

“How are you, darling?” Dorian asked the commander.

Cullen chuckled breathily, nodding his head affirmatively. Dorian smiled, leaning over to kiss Cullen’s parted lips.

“Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck!” Hawke yelled, twisting her body to rest her hand against Iron Bull’s abs. Sera pulled Hawke’s pelvis closer her mouth as Iron Bull pulled out of Hawke’s ass. Then he shifted his attention to Blackwall and began making out with him. On the table next to them Cassandra and Harding were on their knees, kissing and fingering each other.

Meanwhile, Dorian, fully clothed, helped Cullen dress and don his armor. Hawke noticed this and turned to watch them.

“Done already?” the Champion of Kirkwall asked, surprised.

“Yes, in fact I'd love to lay in Cullen's bed drinking wine right about now and cuddling,” Dorian said with a smile.

“Pft! That was quick!” Sera snickered.

“Have you never fucked men before, you two?” Iron Bull asked Sera and Hawke.

“This would be the first time,” Hawke confessed, smirking.

“Well, typically we're ready smoke elfroot and lay down after one or two goes.”

“That sounds abysmal!” Hawke declared as Harding and Cassandra neared their climaxes.

“Well, when fucking women? Yeah. You people just keep going, honestly where do you get that energy?” 

Hawke laughed, hopping off of the table and picking up her under armour. Sera rolled over on the table and watched Hawke, Iron Bull, Blackwall, Dorian, and Cullen dress.

“Maker!” Cassandra moaned as she climaxed, kissing Harding one last time before she stepped to the floor. She aided Harding by offering a hand so she could jump off the table and clothe herself.

Sera continued watching the others dress as she came to an epiphany, “I just realized, I fucked Hawke and Harding without knowing their first names.”

Hawke looked up at Sera from her shin armor with a grin, “Amelie Hawke, born and raised in Lothering. I hate my life and my shit head brother, oh and I drink to forget. That's all you need to know,” Hawke flashed finger guns at Sera.

Sera cackled madly, “That was good, Amelie,” she said mocking Hawke who rolled her eyes, “And you, sweet nips?”

Scout Harding chuckled, “That's a new nickname. The name's Lace.”

“Lace Harding? That's cute. Are you single? Though you don't have to be,” Hawke asked with a smirk.

Sera frowned, “Hey! I was hitting on her!”

“Have you ever heard of polyamory, sweetie?” Hawke questioned sarcastically.

“Oh, I'm not religious,” Sera innocently informed.

Iron Bull, Hawke, Blackwall, and Dorian all burst out laughing at Sera's comment, laughing so hard they were crying and could barely breathe.

“‘I'm not religious!’” Dorian quoted as he sat on his knees on the floor laughing.

“I don't get it,” Sera said.

“Ignore them,” Cassandra told her with a smirk as she buckled her belt around her waist.

Sera stood up on the floor and shrugged, then she began to put her clothes back on. Iron Bull went to check on Cullen who was being babied by Dorian. The qunari planted a kiss on the commander’s forehead lovingly. Cullen stood up and tried walking, but he found himself on the floor doubled over in pain.

“With everything I've been through, you'd think I could handle walking after this,” Cullen chuckled through clenched teeth.

“Hey, go easy on yourself. That's the hardest I've fucked you and you took it like a champ,” Iron Bull reassured which Cullen who responded with a pained smile.

They heard the door open and their heads immediately looked the direction of the sound. Cassandra, fully dressed and armored up had opened one of the heavy doors to exit the war room.

“We will never speak about this encounter,” she commanded sternly as she slipped out of the room.

“Are you kidding?” Harding exclaimed after the door fully closed, “I'm telling all my close friends I fucked the Seeker and Champion of Kirkwall!”

Hawke giggled at Harding's enthusiasm and high praise, “You are too cute, Lace Harding.”

Harding blushed as she felt her heart flutter, “You know, Hawke, you really know how to make a girl cum.”

“Please, I've made a girl cum without even touching her,” Hawke boasted with pride.

Harding pretended to fan herself with her hand as she finished dressing. After much fussing on Cullen’s part, Iron Bull picked up him and threw the commander over his broad shoulder. He and Dorian made for the exit.

“Our dear commander needs to lie down, drink some strong liquor, and take a bath. ‘Twas quite ball, but let's never do this again. I've seen more than enough female genitalia in this brief interaction,” Dorian informed them as he left, following Iron Bull and Cullen.

“Yeah, I best be off as well. Good evening, ladies,” Blackwall remarked as he left the room fully clothed.

Sera sat in the table clothed, through her pants were on backwards, and watched Hawke and Harding finish dressing.

“Ya know, this doesn't hafta end here,” Sera smirked slyly.

“Where do you suppose we go?” Harding asked.

“Hawke has a nice, queen sized bed,” Hawke eyed Sera curiously, “Or so I'm told.”

“Well you're not wrong, Sera,” Hawke started, “What say you, Lace?”

Harding shivered at the way her name rolled off of Hawke’s tongue, “Yes,” she blurted out.

“Then it's settled,” Hawke grinned smugly.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry.
> 
> update: i fuckin wrote the orgy scene, read it!


End file.
